Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
