perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
