It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
