i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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