Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
