hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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