Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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