What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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