I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
