I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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