dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize