Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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