my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
