when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
