i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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