I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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