I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
