why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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