Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
