I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
