Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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