dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
