Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
