The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize