I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
