I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
