better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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