He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
