if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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