On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
