Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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