Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
worst night to have a conscience
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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