is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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