so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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