She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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