yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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