Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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