I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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