I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
