at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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