you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Congratulations! We have a period
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