I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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