My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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