I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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