so that wasnt chicken after all
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
