a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
