I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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