Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Barsexuality is the new black.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
