You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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