Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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