We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
