He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
