Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
