i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize