i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
