I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
