i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
