you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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