Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
