I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
