I cannot find my penis.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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