Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
