just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
