Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
