I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
