but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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