Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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