Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
