Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
