i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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