I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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